


Baby Gay Blues

by fullofimber



Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: F/F, light angst maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 12:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullofimber/pseuds/fullofimber
Summary: With Harumi sick and Yuzu indisposed, Matsuri needs someone to play with, and Nene doesn't have the guts - or the heart - to say no to her.





	Baby Gay Blues

"Nene, hey!"

The girl cast a bemused look behind her, and her brow furrowed even further when she recognised who was calling for her.

"Matsuri-san?"

The pink blur skittered to a stop, though she had to reach for Nene's arm to steady herself.

"Taniguchi-senpai isn't here."

"Yeah."

"And Yuzu went home early."

Nene stared at her for a second. "I- I know. She texted me, Matsuri-san." There was another brief pause. "She put it on the group chat. You replied with a Jojo sticker."

Matsuri struggled to respond; aside from a nervous giggle, nothing came. At this, Nene offered a slight smile, and gave her a nod before turning to continue along her path.

"Hey - wait!"

Her movement was reluctant, but Nene heaved a sigh and turned again.

"We- what are you doing, Nene?"

When she spoke, Matsuri sounded pained, if somewhat dramatic, as if the action Nene had taken was cruel and unspeakable. Unsure of what response to give, she narrowed her eyes at Matsuri before finally muttering, "I'm going home, Matsuri-san."

"You can't do that to me."

"I can't?"

"No way. Yuzu promised me a karaoke date." Matsuri took a long stride forward, hooking her left arm around Nene's neck and pulling the two of them close. Nene stiffened at the sudden warmth, but did not pull away. "I'm all alone. I need someone to play with."

Her cheek about an inch or so from Matsuri's mouth, Nene was very careful not to look in her direction. She fixed her gaze on a crack in a nearby paving slab and took a deep breath.

"I can't, Matsuri-san." She struggled to think of a compelling excuse, and, after a dangerous pause, was forced to settle for the truth. "I need to feed the cats."

Matsuri's laugh was loose, her look incredulous, and Nene sensed this, as much as she couldn't bear to look.

And, of course, the excuses came all but fluently after she'd trotted out her lamest attempt. "My mom will kill me. She wants me to come straight home. She says if I spend any more money on karaoke she'll dock my allowance, and -"

"He-ey." Matsuri spoke with a doting tone, quite like a mother to a child, though it was clear her words did nothing to soothe Nene. Matsuri reached down to ruffle her hair, and Nene winced. "Don't stress yourself out, babe. So you need to feed the kitties. Who says I can't tag along?"

Nene sighed again, closing her eyes. She finally let her shoulders loosen, and then her arms, and she became more limp than responsive in Matsuri's hold.

"Nobody." She had to take another slow breath. "You can come if you want, Matsuri-san."

Nene squealed as Matsuri's hold tightened, only to quiet entirely when the younger girl planted a kiss on her cheek.

"You're full of brilliant ideas, Nene. Let's go."

 

There were sixty-four steps from the ground floor to the Nomura apartment. Nene knew this with a certainty; she had been five when they first moved there, her elder brother eleven, and all their books and toys had been stuck in storage for at least a week or so after their arrival. There had been little to do but for her nii-san to teach her to count to one hundred, but there weren't enough stairs, and Nene thought of this each time she made the ascent.

She had thought of it again, this time on the train, when she glanced over at her new, pink-haired companion. She had hoped that Matsuri would make a break for it as soon as she saw that the complex had no elevators - though that was, admittedly, a bit of a pipedream. Much to Nene's disappointment, Matsuri was blithe to the very last step.

"I want to see Milky!"

"That's not her name!" In her sudden indignation, Nene fumbled a little with her keys, and had to catch them with her knee before they hit the floor. She stood still with them for a second, nursing the humiliation that was quickly spreading over her face. "They're Miku and Sora. Okay?"

Entirely wordless, Matsuri stared back at her, grinning. As Nene pulled the door open, a loud and high-pitched whine tore through the hallway.

"Speak of the devil."

Matsuri followed Nene into the kitchen, squatting down to the cats' level. She held one hand out, clicking her teeth in an attempt to attract one of the two, but they rolled in a single-minded swarm around Nene's ankles. Their purr rose, loud and warm, as Nene shook the kibble into two bowls she'd set on the countertop.

Pouncing on her apparent interest, Nene stretched both bowls out towards Matsuri.

"Take these, will you?"

Matsuri took them and stood, wordless, staring down at the cats, who quickly began to protest at her.

Nene chanced a quick glance behind her, and struggled not to laugh at what she saw. "Jesus Christ, Matsuri. Put them down, please."

"A-" Matsuri gave another uneasy giggle. "Yeah. Sure. Okay."

Picking her way back over the cats, Nene walked all the way into her bedroom before she took a deep breath. As drained as she felt, she knew that now was the time to be cheerful, even if she didn't want to be. She knew that the routine of hospitality would keep her safe and make the ordeal pass quicker; she knew it was the best choice, because she knew Matsuri, and she knew that, when given an inch of vulnerability, Matsuri always took a mile.

Thus it was that, just as Matsuri was preparing to enter her room, the door opened to Nene, standing in the doorway and wearing a vaguely unsettling placatory grin.

"I meant to offer you a drink, Matsuri. The cats really got me side-tracked. I'll set up the kotatsu in a second- What would you like to drink? We have all kinds of tea, or apple juice, or-"

Matsuri broke in with a similar smile, seemingly unnerved. "Uh. Apple juice, please."

"No problem. Can I offer you a snack?"

"No thanks, Nene. Just the juice."

Whatever. Nene retreated to the kitchen and gleefully disregarded Matsuri's instruction, emptying a bag of chips into a bowl and pouring some ranch dip into a teacup. She laughed at the set-up after she'd placed it all on a tray; it was primitive, but she hoped that it would set the tone.

She cringed a touch when she elbowed her way back into the bedroom. It was only now that she realised there was, to put it lightly, quite a lot going on in this room. Had she, perhaps, invited over Yuzu or Harumi, or had she had any warning, she'd have tried to age it up a little, but, as it stood now, it was faintly embarrassing. A fair amount of the things she owned had been here since she was small; she had shifted things around to make room, but never really committed to getting rid of anything, and she had ceased to see these silly, immature relics, like the peeling stickers on her bookshelf, as anything but comforting, homely touches. It had just gotten to the point where she didn't notice it.

Nowadays, there were plenty of things that shamed her more than her childhood plushies, and there was a risk of Matsuri discovering any number of them as she sat cross-legged on the bed, sifting through her nightstand.

"Who's this boy?"

The relief was palpable. Nene couldn't see the picture Matsuri was looking at, but she knew well enough who was in it.

"That's my brother." Nene cast her gaze around the room, before finally deciding to set the tray down on the floor for the time being. If she wanted to divert Matsuri's attention, she would have to act quickly. "We should play SNES, Matsuri!" She reached out to pull at Matsuri's arm. "Dad got me a SNES mini. We should play Street Fighter, I bet I'll kick your ass-"

"Is your brother out working?"

Nene blinked. "No. He's studying. I-"

"I guess he moved out, then."

Nene paused again. "Yeah. He got a scholarship, so he's studying in London."

"Wow." Matsuri stared at the picture, a framed shot of the two of them at a family barbeque, which Nene had kept on her nightstand since her nii-san had left Japan. "That's a way away, isn't it?"

"It sure is."

"I guess you miss him."

"Maybe a little." Nene scratched at the back of her neck. "Come on, Matsuri. Let's play SNES."

The house-guest, however, was adamant. "It's okay, Nene. I'm having fun talking like this. I never knew you had a brother." She paused again, returning to the picture. "Were the two of you close?"

For a second, Nene stared at Matsuri, wondering if she was serious. In time, she felt a pressure to answer, and did so cautiously. "Maybe a little."

Matsuri sputtered, leaning back against the headboard. She sat with her legs crossed, and looked practically serene.

"Sweet of you to say so, Nene. Or not to say so. Whichever it is." She took a deep breath, and the two were silent until Matsuri chanced another smooth, impassive glance at the older girl. "Do you know when he'll come back?"

Nene took a deep breath, and fear filled her lungs as she prepared to speak. Pressured by the silence, however, she felt forced to push on.

"I honestly don't know if he ever will."

"How come?"

Her voice was flat, almost calm, but, Christ, she was relentless. Out of the uncertainty flew an unfamiliar feeling, and Nene did all she could not to voice it.

"Could you give it a rest? My brother's boring; there's no point in us talking about him." Nene shot Matsuri a sour look. "He's not cute. And, even if you liked him, he's very far away."

Matsuri raised her eyebrows slightly, setting the picture back on the nightstand. "I never said I liked him, did I?" The two sat silently, and Matsuri seethed. "Sure though. Let's talk about something else." She raised her head and nodded toward the wardrobe. "Let's talk about those magazines."

Nene had to turn to see what Matsuri was looking at, but groaned audibly in recognition of what she saw.

"Come on, Matsuri, let's not."

"Nah, let's." Her tone was grim and persistent as she crossed the room, squatting down in front of the stack of magazines Nene had attempted to secrete between the foot of her bed and the wardrobe. The elder girl sat, beet-red, just short of grabbing her, as Matsuri pulled tome after tome off the pile.

The word 'teenage' - all lower-case - was bold and colourful across the top, though the 'n' was usually obscured by the heartthrob of the week. Matsuri took hold of the newest issue; she didn't know who the guy was - she suspected, from the cover line, an idol who had recently gone solo - but he hadn't seemed to have aroused much interest in the Nomura household. The magazine itself was pristine, all but shop-new.

"Did _you_ buy these?"

Nene's embarrassment had all but dissipated at this point, and her laugh was dark and slight. "No."

Matsuri's grin was flagrant and incredulous. "Really, Nene?" She turned to face her. "You shouldn't lie to me."

For once, Nene was able to meet her stare head on, her jaw set. "Fine. But I'm not."

The two were in silence again for a second. Nene hoped that Matsuri had gotten bored, and would drop it. Instead, Matsuri found a seat on the edge of the bed and left a suitable silence before speaking up again.

"Then..."

"My mom, Matsuri."

Nene's tone was strained and short; she held her fist to her head and let out a long breath. There was another silence, and it seemed that Matsuri was waiting for her to speak, so she did so.

"What do they say about me at school?"

Matsuri took a breath. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on. You know." Nene gestured vaguely with her left hand, scooching up and away from the other girl to lean against her headboard. "People talk. _You_ talk. You must listen, right?"

After giving it some thought, Matsuri gave her a smile. "That's not one of my skills, sorry."

Nene laughed a little. "Bullshit."

She was silent for a while, but the younger girl eventually shrugged. "I don't know, Nene." She paused again. "We don't gossip about upperclassmen."

Nene threw her arm down in frustration.

"You know I'm gay, right?"

Matsuri's eyes widened. "Uh." It had been so obvious Nene was into girls that she hadn't thought to mention it. "We're at a girls' school, Nene, lots of people are."

Nene started up, fixing Matsuri with a glare. "Fuck off. That's not funny."

"But it's kind of true." Matsuri set the magazine still on her knee and thought for a while. "By which I mean, it's... it's very different from middle school. But, I - I can see what you mean?"

Nene, who had since slid down onto her pillow, stretched her right hand high above her head, and watched it as it moved.

"I don't know. Maybe at school it's not a big deal."

"Mhm."

"All the girls in my class love those magazines." She sighed again. "I hung out with this girl at lunch once, and we read 'teenage' together. It was really weird. She squealed over all these idols. But I just kind of stared and stared, and I didn't feel anything."

Matsuri coiled the magazine in her hands. "Couldn't you tell your mom you're not interested?"

"I've tried my best." Nene squinted at the ceiling. "We've got quite a traditional thing going on in this house. No one tells anyone anything in so many words. I've told her I don't want her to waste her money on it. I think she doesn't want to hear it."

"Right."

"I think it's her way of telling me she wants me to be normal."

There was a brief silence. Matsuri scanned the pages of the magazine once more, before she turned back to Nene.

"I know what we should do. Budge."

She pushed gently at Nene's shoulder and, as the other girl made space for her, sat up next to her. Folding the magazine spine in half, she fumbled on Nene's nightstand for a pen, and held it in her mouth as she started to leaf through pages again.

"Who do you hate the most?"

Nene laughed in confusion. "I don't hate anyone, Matsuri-san-"

"The boys!" Matsuri pulled the pen from her mouth and used it to gesture broadly at the magazine. "Which ones are the worst?"

Nene continued to giggle. "All of them, they're all gross." She glanced quickly over at Matsuri, who, having chosen her own page, was humming quietly.

"What are you doing?" With some reluctance, Nene pulled herself upwards. Matsuri had settled on one of the full-page idol posters, and was slowly, methodically, adding scales to his bare, white neck.

"This is super awesome stress relief."

Nene smiled. "Yeah?"

Matsuri pitched the paper a little to the side and pressed it hard against her knees. With her biro she made deep and jagged lines in the idol's mouth. "I used to get up about six, every morning, so I could get Dad's paper before he got it." She was smiling as she drew, perfecting a row of uniform, sharp teeth. "I did it for about a month, and he went fucking mad. It was great fun." She sighed a touch, reevaluating her work. "It got less fun when he stopped reacting." She was quiet again. "It's quite a shame he's so fucking boring."

At a loss, Nene could do nothing but laugh, as empty and nervous as the gesture was. In time, she spoke without really thinking.

"That's kind of awful."

Matsuri said nothing. As if in response, she poured her persistent smile into her work, and, to Nene, it came off much bleaker than she had expected.

The process, nevertheless, proved engrossing; without really registering it, Nene settled her head on Matsuri's shoulder. The younger girl looked back at her and, at Nene's serene smile, cracked a small grin.

"Thanks for trying, Matsuri."

"You don't feel better?"

Nene gave a weak smile.

"No."

"Okay." Matsuri set the magazine down, hard, in her lap. She took a sharp breath. "I've got another idea."

Her movement was fluid and assured. She laid all five fingers on Nene's neck, her thumb flush with the line of the other girl's collar bone, pulled herself in, and kissed her.

Nene's surprise was as powerful as it was brief. When she registered what was happening, what seized her was a cold panic, running from her extremities and pouring deep into her stomach. Matsuri pulled back for a second, stopping to breathe, and scooched closer to Nene, slipping an arm around her neck. She bowed her head, not quite able to meet Nene's eyes, and spoke in a hoarse whisper.

"Try to relax a little, okay?"

And, despite the panic that lived tight in every muscle, Nene responded without hesitation.

"Okay."

The two met mouths again, Nene full of assurance. Though her movement was hesitant, she grasped at Matsuri's cheek, pushing her fingers into her hair in an effort to pull herself closer. She continued to strain against the sensation, even as much as it drew her in, for her panic had given way to something else, something much harder to name.

There was a pain, dull and simple, which seemed to rest low in Nene's chest, and, though it wasn't physical, it was quickly becoming all she could think about.

What did it mean? Nene couldn't quite make it out, and this bothered her, even though she was fairly preoccupied. However, as Matsuri drew back once more, their faces still close, it became all too clear to her.

Nene's breath was so quick and so shallow that she was forced to turn her face away. Matsuri was silent as she waited, one hand still cupping Nene's neck.

The elder girl thought briefly of the havoc Matsuri would wreak, given the chance and the inclination. This threat, while only implicit, was dark in Nene's stomach, deep gray like a storm cloud shot through with electricity, but she took some comfort from the fact that she knew what to expect when the storm broke, and that, in all likelihood, it would be more of the same.

Of course, the fear still pressed hard on Nene's shoulders. She thought of the gossip she'd caught from time to time, the real painful stuff that made other girls look at you sideways, that inspired genuine revulsion.

The strangest thing, however, was that, as awful as it was to be so afraid, it was yet more awful to draw back, or even to think about the two of them stopping.

Nene took another breath before she met Matsuri's eyes again.

"More, please."

Matsuri had to chuckle at this; her giggles escaped, bit by bit, against Nene's lips.

 

"You have to give me all the gossip you know, Matsuri-chan."

Matsuri grinned. Nene was not blind to Matsuri's techniques, but it still astounded her just how quickly she'd managed to wrap herself around her mother's little finger. The only unsettling thing was that, try as she might, Nene couldn't quite tell what she was driving at by doing it. Regardless, the two were chatting like a pair of schoolgirls, and, though Nene wasn't sure how she should feel about it, she couldn't escape the sense that, with Matsuri around, her mother was happier than she'd been for a while.

"I'm afraid I live an entirely gossip-free life, Mrs Nomura."

Nene almost choked on her gyoza. Matsuri grinned into her plate while, under the table, she laid a hand on Nene's knee and squeezed, which all but ensured her spitting it out.

"We've a theory Ne-chan has a secret boyfriend-"

"Mom, I told you, I'll tell you when I do-"

"It can't be done, right, Matsuri-chan - you can't get to sixteen and never have a boyfriend, can you?"

"You can when you're not at a co-ed school, Mom -"

"With all due respect, Mrs Nomura," Matsuri cut in, "I just think Nene's a bit of a late bloomer, that's all."

Matsuri squeezed Nene's knee again; whether it was to comfort or disquiet her, Nene couldn't tell.

"She's working to her own schedule is all I mean. " Matsuri took a quick drink before returning her hand to Nene's knee. "She's one of the cleverest people I know, Mrs Nomura. I've been trying to pin her down for English lessons since I came to the Academy."

Nene's mother gave the two a smile. It brought Nene a fair amount of pain; her face was lined and tired, but, for once, her smile didn't seem forced.

"Well. You're always welcome here to study, Matsuri." She paused briefly, setting her chopsticks down. "You should have your friends over more often, Ne-chan."

Nene felt like dirt. She was expending so much energy trying to keep it together that she barely felt things coming apart. She heard the tear before she felt it, plipping lightly onto her plate, and was overcome with panic for the second time that night.

Matsuri cut in again, running her thumb over Nene's knee.

"I'm very sorry, Mrs Nomura, but could you tell me the time?"

Nene's mother consulted her watch. "It's ... it's half past seven, dear."

"Ah. My mom needs me back at eight." Matsuri stood up, offering Nene's mom a small bow. "Sorry to rush out. Dinner was great. Thank you so much, Mrs Nomura." She took another breath. "Nene can see me out."

When the two got into the hallway, Matsuri pulled Nene into an embrace so sudden and so fierce that she was too bemused to cry. As Matsuri pulled away again, every bit of Nene was aching, so deeply and unbearably, to touch again, to kiss and bite and tear until she forgot who she was. The light that bled through from the dining room cast Matsuri in warmth, though Nene could barely see herself; on the other side of the apartment, the radio hummed and plates clattered together as her mother washed and stacked them. On an intellectual level, Nene knew she was safe, and, so, in the darkness, she leant forward, but fear caught her at the very last second.

Matsuri grinned finally, before stretching out on her tiptoes and planting a kiss on Nene's forehead. Nene blushed deeply as she held it there, her love of the contact barely winning out over the sting of her embarrassment; she struggled to be still, but was, and held her breath until she felt Matsuri back away.

The pink haired girl offered a small wave before she turned and wordlessly backed into the stairwell.

It was much later, just, in fact, after Nene had stepped out of the bath, that she got a notification. Several hot knives danced at the ready, the excitement growing low in her chest, and she opened the messages with no hesitation.

_M:          I had fun tonight, Ne-chan._

_M:          Let's play again soon. x_


End file.
